Emotions

It is times like this I wish my career is to just be a mindless doll unit.

I was let go from my job this week because my coworkers did not like my personally for some reason and found any reason they could I got a new job within the day, but none of the less I still feel rejected and like a failure. At the same time of this happening, my Master posted on His FetLife account about the idea of another sub. At this point I just felt utterly useless. I understand I am in a different state than Him, but I still worried that He would find someone better than me within His reach. I already have three consecutive experiences with guys breaking my trust with other girls, and I did not want it to happen again. Not to mention I still know He would prefer His vanilla friend over me if He was able to be in a relationship with her. So now I can't help but feel no matter what and with no matter who, there is always going to be someone better than me.

I asked Him about His posts that I was worried about, and turns out I did over-react. Once we cleared the air He put me under hypnosis and made sure I trusted Him. I told  Him yes, and I really did feel silly because He has asked and made sure before hand when it comes to playing with someone else, and intercourse was not involved. I allowed Him to erase my emotions because I was more than welcome to get rid of these feelings of failure, jealousy, and loneliness. It was nice, but then He had to give them back to me for when I saw my family later that day. He put me under hypnosis again, and soon as it was over tears immediately took over. I slightly chuckled when I asked why He gave the emotions back to me, but I was serious. I apologized for my jealousy and self- doubt, knowing a lot of it came out due to my recent job loss and past experiences. But He said the best thing anyone has said to me- "it's human to feel that way." It meant a lot to hear that because every time I was jealous (and later confirmed right in the matter) with my exes they would say I am crazy or over-dramatic. But He killed it when I mentioned that He didn't seem like the jealous type, but He corrected me saying He's jealous for His vanilla friend all the time.

All day today all I could think about was just being a mindless doll for Him. I even bought new dolly contacts that have the diamond blue eye look. Not thinking would just let me obey His commands and make Him happy. Not thinking or having emotions would even let me allow another sub to play with us together if that would make Him happy. I hate having emotions, I just want to be a permanent blank slate.

 So for now I'll go along for the ride and hope maybe He will see me the way I see Him, and maybe cards will line up in our favor. But realistically knowing my chances I am going to expect living the rest of my life alone.

-DS<3